I won't delete it, don't worry.
ok:
1. Terrible grammar. It was absolutely horrendous, I couldn't possibly point out all the mistakes. But I'm guessig your not originally from an English speaking country and that's why.
2. You shift between first person and third person a lot. Don't do that.
3. The story itself was really all over the place. Try to plan out what you're going to say, and give it some flow.