Betrayal

[Werewulf]

A Sirens call is sweet like slumber
it sooths, calms and gives caress
its arms touch and hold you, like a baby and its mothers breast
But the time for truth has come
she never gave you hope or freedom or comfort
shes the only one that betrayed you
upon your great moments of the purest
she lied to you, like to all the other men.
shes not a mother, but a witch instead
her calls became poison for all those to hear
like a sleeping drug, it only ends in tears
her arms now crush you with all the betrayl
she has now become satin, and your her only ale.

 

[Undead_Lives]

Hm, its alright...although the rhyming is kinda on and off...which makes it weird.

 

[Werewulf]

its not suppose to rhyme..
well..actually i dont know.

 

[Undead_Lives]

Well anyways, its good...but could be better. I rate it... 3/5.

 

[Warnicro]

Its betrayal instead of Betrayl. =)

it sooths, calms and gives caress[/b]

What is sooths ment to be?

But the time for truth has come[/b]

But the time for the truth has come

she never gave you hope or freedom or comfort[/b]

I suggest using a little less than 3 times or in a sentence.

upon your great moments of the purest[/b]

hmm, I dunno what you wish to indicate with this line, but its not entirly correct.

she lied to you, like to all the other men.[/b]

she has lain to you, like to all the other men

like a sleeping drug, it only ends in tears[/b]

This comparison isn't entirely correct, you should rephrase this line.

her arms now crush you with all the betrayl[/b]

once again its betrayal

she has now become satin, and your her only ale.[/b]

Suggestion...
She has become the devil herself. and you are her only feeding(or some other word useable)

In overall the concept is nice, but I suggest using a spelling checker before putting it up, and you should try to work some on the grammer as well.
It's hard to critic a poam (I used to write as well) cause there are many sides to a poam, but the base is that you need a good spelling as well as a proper grammer setup, then a proportion of imagination (which you had).
You had a few nice counters, but some could really use some pollishing up.

 

[Undead_Lives]

Well Warnico, ya stole my job. I'm the one who wrote the tutorial on grammar after all
Oh and Warnico,

It's hard to critic a poam (I used to write as well) cause there are many sides to a poam, but the base is that you need a good spelling as well as a proper grammer[/b]

It's poem.

 

[Warnicro]

good catch, well lets not be to strict on spelling, I am not the best speller myself, and only criticizing on spelling is a bit awkward.

and sorry I stole your job

 

[Undead_Lives]

Ha, no problem. I was joking around anyways
Besides, I'm slow.. and kinda lazy

 

[Fladian]

It's poem.
[/b]

Oh, that isn't the only mistake Wanrico made.

Wanrico, pointing out the mistakes is one thing, but it would be a good thing if you're sure about your own grammar in that case.

Mind that I changed the title?

 

[Undead_Lives]

Aye, good work again Flad

 

[Werewulf]

shh...all! you make me look stupid..

 

[Undead_Lives]

Ah, dont worry Wulf. We're not trying to make you looks stupid.

 

[Werewulf]

your trying to make me look like an idiot, lol

 

[Undead_Lives]

Nah, not really

 

[Werewulf]

aha! cuaght u red handed...okay okay.. my thingy suxxors