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<blockquote data-quote="Jordan B" data-source="post: 216405" data-attributes="member: 2977"><p>It could do with some more periods, some grammatical restructuring, the core content is good, it just hides behind some of the errors.</p><p></p><p>"as if I was a kettle getting ready to boil"</p><p></p><p>changed to :</p><p></p><p>"as if I were a kettle beginning to boil"</p><p></p><p>etc, etc .</p><p></p><p>" I set there"</p><p></p><p>" I sat there"</p><p></p><p></p><p>"<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000">When I stumbled in the water of my swamp all the serpents feed off of my hanging flesh and blood down to the bone"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000">Changed to :</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000">"As I stumbled into the water of my swamp, the serpents began to feed off of my hanging flesh and blood, down to the bone."</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p>It's good, but in New Zealand if something was submitted with that many errors it would probably get an N/A . (Not achieved)</p><p></p><p></p><p>Nothing against you Rock. Have you already handed it in ? </p><p></p><p>It's just stuff like this :</p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000">He grabs my arm his strength was stronger than I expected.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p>It really needs more breaks and periods. </p><p></p><p>"He grabs my arm, his strength much stronger than I had expected."</p><p></p><p>I hope you realise I'm not picking on you, it's just I have always pretty much aced english, and so forth. =/</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span> </p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Jordan B, post: 216405, member: 2977"] It could do with some more periods, some grammatical restructuring, the core content is good, it just hides behind some of the errors. "as if I was a kettle getting ready to boil" changed to : "as if I were a kettle beginning to boil" etc, etc . " I set there" " I sat there" "[FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=#000000]When I stumbled in the water of my swamp all the serpents feed off of my hanging flesh and blood down to the bone" Changed to : "As I stumbled into the water of my swamp, the serpents began to feed off of my hanging flesh and blood, down to the bone." [/COLOR][/FONT] It's good, but in New Zealand if something was submitted with that many errors it would probably get an N/A . (Not achieved) Nothing against you Rock. Have you already handed it in ? It's just stuff like this : [FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=#000000]He grabs my arm his strength was stronger than I expected. [/COLOR][/FONT] It really needs more breaks and periods. "He grabs my arm, his strength much stronger than I had expected." I hope you realise I'm not picking on you, it's just I have always pretty much aced english, and so forth. =/ [FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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