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School Essay

Discussion in 'Stories' started by rocktrns, Nov 20, 2009.

  1. rocktrns

    rocktrns Active Member

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    For school I had to write a Narrative about one of the Characters in BeoWulf (Grendel). I had to make it in first person Point of view.
    How do you all like it?



    ________________________________________________________
    Before I went up to attack Beowulf I was sitting down in my murky hell hole cave. I was really ****ed that no one had invited me to the mead hall. I asked myself why wasn’t I invited, and as I kept asking myself more, and more questions in my mind I began to get madder and madder. I was furious as if I was a tea kettle getting ready to boil. The thought of me eating all of those men was Piquant. I thought to myself I could beat anyone no one can defeat me I am a God that no one should dare challenge. I came out of my cave furious swiping the sea serpents out of my way.
    As I approached the Heorot it was silent no one seemed to be awake. I thought this is a perfect timing I tore the hinges off the door, and Picked up a warrior, and swallowed him whole, and I picked up 3 warriors at the same time and swallowed them as if they were sardines in a can. My next meal was going to be Beowulf I hated that cocky guy. I went to grab for him and he snatched me up so fast it was like he was sleeping with one eye open. He grabs my arm his strength was stronger than I expected. I tried to run back to my swamp, but I couldn’t. I was only held by one man, but his strength was as strong as one thousand. His worthless men begun to swing at me with all there might, but were unsuccessful. Beowulf then tears my arm out of my socket I can still hear the crackling, and girdling of my blood has he dissected my arm from my body.
    Then after I retreated and ran back to my swamp. I left a blood trail as I was not running, but stumbling. I felt as if all the air, and all of the life was sucked out of me. I felt defeated I felt worthless. That felt like the longest walk ever. When I was walking I was thinking of ways to get back at Beowulf with revenge. I was hostile I wanted to eat anything with a heart, and sole. Somewhere In the back of my mind I knew that I wouldn’t be able to take revenge on such a powerful creature like Beowulf. Beowulf was undefeatable.
    When I stumbled in the water of my swamp all the serpents feed off of my hanging flesh and blood down to the bone I was too much in pain to swipe them off. I was furious that I had lost against Beowulf. I crawled in to my cave I begun to breath slower, and slower, until I fell in to the puddle of my blood. I lay there still breathing, and very numb. I set there thinking about my horrible life as I drifted away into an unknown darkness, and then my heart halted to a stop.
     
  2. spuznick242

    spuznick242 Active Member

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    hmm. not bad at all. I had a report like this one time. I had to make a bio on tony alva (skateboarding legend) and make it first person, but have two versions one normal and one in first person, it was kinda fun considering it was a school assignment.
     
  3. rocktrns

    rocktrns Active Member

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    Thanks I'm Still waiting for my Grade.
    I'm Shooting for an A- or a B+
     
  4. garygofast

    garygofast Active Member

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    No problem Rock you will get an A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    :thumbup:
     
  5. Jordan B

    Jordan B Active Member

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    It could do with some more periods, some grammatical restructuring, the core content is good, it just hides behind some of the errors.

    "as if I was a kettle getting ready to boil"

    changed to :

    "as if I were a kettle beginning to boil"

    etc, etc .

    " I set there"

    " I sat there"


    "When I stumbled in the water of my swamp all the serpents feed off of my hanging flesh and blood down to the bone"

    Changed to :

    "As I stumbled into the water of my swamp, the serpents began to feed off of my hanging flesh and blood, down to the bone."


    It's good, but in New Zealand if something was submitted with that many errors it would probably get an N/A . (Not achieved)


    Nothing against you Rock. Have you already handed it in ?

    It's just stuff like this :

    He grabs my arm his strength was stronger than I expected.


    It really needs more breaks and periods.

    "He grabs my arm, his strength much stronger than I had expected."

    I hope you realise I'm not picking on you, it's just I have always pretty much aced english, and so forth. =/















     
  6. rocktrns

    rocktrns Active Member

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    Thank you for the advice,but I already handed it in.
    I Started the essay the first day i was due so I was in a rush When I was done I clicked Spell Check,and printed it out. I did realize some mistakes I made after I was in school lol.
    I guess America isn't as touch on education as other Countries are. Hey we even have the least number of school days.
    Thanks
     
  7. garygofast

    garygofast Active Member

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    Still good job Rock
     
  8. Jordan B

    Jordan B Active Member

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    Indeed. Hope you pass ! :)
     

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