My first love poem

[Xeridanus]

When you are with me, all I can do is smile,
You say you have to go, I say "Wait a while,"
There is nothing as warm as your complete embrace,
With every moment you are close, my heart begins to race.

I want to hold you close to me and never let you go,
I want for you to be happy and I want you to know,
How much I truly love you as you can planly see,
You will always mean the whole world to me.

And I really want to say,

That you mean the world to me,
I love you with all I've got,
I think that we are meant to be,
I care for you an awful lot.

When you`re down - I may not be able to pick you back up,
but I will always be willing to be there with you, close up,
My favorite thing to do in the world is to be with you,
I'm so lovesick with you I don't know what to do.

I love you more then words can express,
And I will always love you nevertheless,
I cannot let you go you are a part of me
I love you can you not so plainly see.

And I really want to say,

That you mean the world to me,
I love you with all I've got,
I think that we are meant to be,
I care for you an awful lot.

=====================================================

All coments welcome.

 

[Undead_Lives]

I found it nice...change in ryhming sceme kinda made it like a song since you repeated it...but anways, nice. Couple things though.
1. You spelled plainly wrong in the second paragraph, but right in the sixth (counting the one line as a paragraph). So...
2.

When you`re down - I may not be able to pick you back up,
but I will always be willing to be there with you, close up,[/b]

I would like to see something other than another up here. It just makes the poem more colorful.
3. To improve poems in the future, try getting away from the simple words. Unless it's meant to be simple, and in that case nevermind

 

[Xeridanus]

I couldn't think of anything that ryhmed with up... and made sense.

Scratch that... I just had inspiration.

When you`re down - I may not be able to put you on your feet,
but I will always be willing to be there with you in times of defeat,

 

[Hunter_destruction]

When you`re down - I may not be able to put you on your feet,
but I will always be willing to be there with you in times of defeat,
[/b]

Hmm that's kind of ironic but I like it.
It's ironic because you said that you can't really help her, but you can be there, which is helping...

Anyways I liked the poem you should write another one

 

[Xeridanus]

Thanks for your comments and criticisms. Don't hold your breath for a sequel. I just happened to have a burst of inspiration that day.

 

[Undead_Lives]

I can't even hold my breath very long anyways
And your latest inspiration is good...but ironic like Hunter said.

 

[Fladian]

Not bad, not bad at all. As a matter of fact, I'll be thinking about this for a while now I've read it.

I have no real additional comment to make on it though, most of it has already been said. Not to mention the fact that I am not too good with poems, though all I did made was liked.

I can't even hold my breath very long anyways [/b]

"I'll never be afraid again, hold your breath and count to ten." - Christian Walz

 

[Undead_Lives]

"I'll never be afraid again, hold your breath and count to ten." - Christian Walz[/b]

What's that got to do with anything? :/

 

[Fladian]

What did "I can't hold my breath for very long" had to do with it then? As you see, I was pointing at that.

 

[Xeridanus]

well, where i come from, home. we have a saying if you think something might take a while to do, don't hold your breath. so what im saying is don't expect another one soon.

 

[Undead_Lives]

No Flad, I was wondering what the quote had to do with anything. The "holding the breath" thing in that quote doesn't have anything to do with our current situation.
And X, here we have the same saying...I think.

 

[Xeridanus]

I think it is merely a peice of useless information that no-one is worse off from knowing. Except maybe Arkidas who has to pay for the web space to keep it here.

 

[Fladian]

I didn't really thought about that saying. But then again, I missed this "Don't hold your breath for a sequel" sentence when I was reading throughout the thread. My mistake.

The quote I did made has nothing to do with the thread, but that wasn't the main point in my post.