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a love poem

Discussion in 'Stories' started by Falcoknight, Feb 11, 2006.

  1. Falcoknight

    Falcoknight New Member

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    i timed myself, 2 minuits, and i stop this is my 2 minuit love poem

    the lovely sun
    shuns all under
    it scours the land
    with its ancient sunder

    the only thing
    that stands to it
    is your shining face
    beloved lady

    for it is true
    that your fair hue
    is blessed upon
    this land and far

    I know not
    how to say
    that one day
    I will be yours

    for I have made oath
    that one day
    I will catch you with my arms
    and kiss you

    in days of old
    we will be married
    You in one arm
    and in the other

    my lovely son…

    Note: The first and last line
     
  2. Undead_Lives

    Undead_Lives New Member

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    Hm, not bad I guess. Just a few things about it:
    1. The rhyming scheme didn't follow a pattern. It seemed you just put in a rhyme whenever you felt like it.
    2. You should use more commas and periods.
    3.
    You should make that "my beloved lady"
    4.
    I would make that "You in one arm of mine"
    5. Your first "the" should have a capital. Along with all of the places you should have periods.

    That's all....nice poem.
     
  3. Kem Rixen

    Kem Rixen New Member

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    Needs some fixing as well...

    I'll be honest, I can't stand love poems, I prefer to use cliches to be romantic as it makes me laugh, pointing out the cliches of course.
     
  4. Xeridanus

    Xeridanus New Member

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    He did it in two minutes... :eek: I think that is very impressive. I do one line a week, I'm up to four. lol. :)
    And I'm not posting it here, unless you really want me to.
     
  5. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    Anything that fills the forum is fine, I guess.

    *has no comment on the poem yet*
     
  6. Xeridanus

    Xeridanus New Member

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    True, but I'd rather not till it's finished... ah heck, heres what I got:

    When you are with me, all I can do is smile.
    You say you have to go, I say "Wait a while."
    There is nothing as warm as your complete embrace.
    With every moment you are close, my heart begins to race.

    EDIT: I will post this in it's own topic. It's finshed now too, though I had some help, not much.
     
  7. Undead_Lives

    Undead_Lives New Member

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    Very very nice. Well thought out. But please, post it in your own topic. This one is for Falcoknight's. :D
     
  8. Falcoknight

    Falcoknight New Member

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    yeah its not very good, i didn't even read over it, though i impressed a i really liked so thats good :D

    though i disagree with the rhyming post, not all poems need a rhyming sceam, mines more like the concept of a hiaku, its not meant for rhyming but its meant for feelings..

    and "my lovely lady" is wrong i think, because, she isn't mine, infact the poem is about hopes, not about whats happening, unfortunatly it follows my hopes which wont happen lol :p
     
  9. Undead_Lives

    Undead_Lives New Member

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    Ok, true, not all poems need a rhyming scheme. But when you DO rhyme and not in a particular fashion then it kinda makes it confusing....
    In other words, choose your words wisely :D
     
  10. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    I've read it several times before, but never really made a comment about it because of several reasons, which are not necessary to mention.

    Fact remains that it is only decent, but it was made in a hurry. As you said, it was made in two minutes.
    Though I agree with the fact that a "love poem" should come directly out of the heart, it often is good to give it a moment of thought, instead of rushing it.
     
  11. Undead_Lives

    Undead_Lives New Member

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    That's very true. However, I don't ever write love poems, for other reasons.
     
  12. james1654

    james1654 New Member

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    Awww, a love poem :) who have you got a twinkle in your eye for falco? :yay:

    I think he likes Arkidas :) but then u will have to cheat on him so u can get a son from a woman. Pffft, gay relations allways end in heartbreak . . . :( All you have to do is ask Fladian, he knows from experience.

    Lol, Joking, I am sorry but i just cant help having a little joke. :yay:
     
  13. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    Yes, well, such a discussion has been spoken over in the early part of the 'True Identity' thread before, which didn't end up well.

    I suggest finding a better sense of humor, because most of it/this could offend people.

    Also, I am everything but gay. :p
     
  14. Undead_Lives

    Undead_Lives New Member

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    I don't think he was refering to you Flad....or was he? :/
     
  15. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    He definitely was.
    "All you have to do is ask Fladian, he knows from experience."
     

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