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Anything & Everything
Stories
a Fragment of Life
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<blockquote data-quote="edwinfong25" data-source="post: 127896" data-attributes="member: 6832"><p>whoa, long read, lol</p><p></p><p>well, I'm not even sure what to say, lol</p><p></p><p>well, I'll say that I did notice a handful of spelling errors which I'd attribute more to typos than to actual spelling errors (especially since i say a few that were both spelled correctly and incorrectly (not at the same time tho, dont get me wrong, lol))</p><p>also, there were quite a few points where I'd say that there were some grammatical errors, or just phrases that could have been phrased differently for perhaps a better effect</p><p>(I'd try to list out examples right now... but that would require me trying to comb through the entire story again, lol)</p><p></p><p>well, outside of the actual wording factor, the story itself is quite detailed without going out of hand, so that was refreshing (also, the variance of adjectives at certain points were helpful to keep the story moving)</p><p>the story also follows a clear chain of thought and fills in any details that may be missing from the reader's point of view</p><p></p><p>it kinda feels like there's a bit of information left out here and there sometimes, but that's only if you try to think into it</p><p>such as detailed descriptions of the characters (you gave more detail on Sandra, but still not quite to the point where someone would have an exact image of the person) but that can be seen as allowing the reader's imagination fill in those parts (also it's meant to be a short story (as the title indicates, "Fragment") so not every detail is required anyways)</p><p></p><p>lastly, the end part seemed a bit off...</p><p>it ends with you saying "The only answer I got from Sandra was a cold stare."</p><p>i kinda feel that that was an odd transition since there was really never a question going from the main character to her...</p><p>perhaps it could have been better if you had used a verb more like "response" instead of "answer"</p><p>also that last sentence where you mention her work, it kinda transitions away the story (just a bit) maybe just go from, "...she didn't have to get up early in the morning either since she had quit her job a few months ago."</p><p>(or maybe even shift that to closer to the front of the sentence)</p><p></p><p>well, that's all that i recall, lol (it was a long story, lol)</p><p>overall, good job, it's got a good balance, and definitely shows great potential <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>(if you'd like, i can try to go through the story again for more examples)</p><p>(also, keep in mind, lol, I'm not perfect (not by a long shot) so take my responses as you wish to, lol)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="edwinfong25, post: 127896, member: 6832"] whoa, long read, lol well, I'm not even sure what to say, lol well, I'll say that I did notice a handful of spelling errors which I'd attribute more to typos than to actual spelling errors (especially since i say a few that were both spelled correctly and incorrectly (not at the same time tho, dont get me wrong, lol)) also, there were quite a few points where I'd say that there were some grammatical errors, or just phrases that could have been phrased differently for perhaps a better effect (I'd try to list out examples right now... but that would require me trying to comb through the entire story again, lol) well, outside of the actual wording factor, the story itself is quite detailed without going out of hand, so that was refreshing (also, the variance of adjectives at certain points were helpful to keep the story moving) the story also follows a clear chain of thought and fills in any details that may be missing from the reader's point of view it kinda feels like there's a bit of information left out here and there sometimes, but that's only if you try to think into it such as detailed descriptions of the characters (you gave more detail on Sandra, but still not quite to the point where someone would have an exact image of the person) but that can be seen as allowing the reader's imagination fill in those parts (also it's meant to be a short story (as the title indicates, "Fragment") so not every detail is required anyways) lastly, the end part seemed a bit off... it ends with you saying "The only answer I got from Sandra was a cold stare." i kinda feel that that was an odd transition since there was really never a question going from the main character to her... perhaps it could have been better if you had used a verb more like "response" instead of "answer" also that last sentence where you mention her work, it kinda transitions away the story (just a bit) maybe just go from, "...she didn't have to get up early in the morning either since she had quit her job a few months ago." (or maybe even shift that to closer to the front of the sentence) well, that's all that i recall, lol (it was a long story, lol) overall, good job, it's got a good balance, and definitely shows great potential :) (if you'd like, i can try to go through the story again for more examples) (also, keep in mind, lol, I'm not perfect (not by a long shot) so take my responses as you wish to, lol) [/QUOTE]
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Anything & Everything
Stories
a Fragment of Life
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