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Under the sky, so blue

Discussion in 'Stories' started by Fladian, Nov 27, 2006.

  1. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    With a yawn I nearly jumped out of my bed. The forecast told us it would eventually become a rainy day, but it surely didn't look that way when I woke up. The first look I took outside was a good one and the weather looked bright and happy. As a matter of fact, I even saw my neighbour kid playing outside. Jeffrey was a short little kid of eight years old. I'm not sure how he kept himself entertained with that kind of energy, but he sure did a good job on it.
    As I started to get dressed, I heard my phone ring. Without any second of hesitation, I immediately picked it up, already seeing that it was David who was calling. "What's up?" were my first words when I picked the phone up.
    "Cool man," he answered in his usual happy tone. "Hey, at what time do we have to be at school? I'm pretty lost out here."
    "Twelve," I quickly answered through the phone. "You really have to get some things straight, mate," I added to it, quite bluntly. It's not like he wasn't used to me being blunt. We've known each other since childhood and we're the best of friends. We had quite a happy life, if I do say so myself. We're both eighteen and we both just got our license. It couldn't get much better than this.
    It remained a bit quiet on the other side of the phone after I told him what I thought of him being 'completely lost again.' "Twelve," he finally asked.
    "Yeah," I answered with a curious tone in my voice. Something was obvious wrong, but I wasn't sure what.
    "You moron!" David suddenly shouted through the phone. "That's in twenty minutes!"
    I quickly looked at my clock and noticed the same thing. "Shit!" I shouted in reply, "I overslept!" I didn't really notice him hanging up the phone after I said my famous "shit," but I didn't care either. I quickly got dressed, grabbed my bag, slammed my door open and quickly ran outside. "Why didn't Sally call me?"

    "Over here!" I heard David shout as he ran past my house towards his car.
    "Thanks," I shouted in reply, "but no thanks. I prefer my own car."
    A quick nod was all I needed from David as we both got in our new cars and got it started to go to school immediately. "You'll see," I muttered to myself, "we'll be late on such an important day."

    It took us exactly ten minutes to get to school. Now I think back on it, I don't have the slightest clue how the hell we got there in such a small amount of time. I do know that we fought for the last parking lot and I won. I'm not sure where he parked, but I certainly ran outside.
    "In a hurry, Frank?" I heard a lovely voice ask. My rush continued and with an amazing speed I turned around, to see where the voice come from.
    "Linda," I said in surprise. This babe was the girlfriend of my best friend, David. She was gorgeous with her perfect figure and long dark brown hair. Linda and I have been friends for some time too, but never did we pick each other over David. Besides, I'm taken. "Yeah. Class starts in a few minutes," I finally answered her question while I was marching on the exact same spot.
    "No, it doesn't," she replied in a short but calm answer. "Class is cancelled. Mr Arends is sick."
    Upon hearing those last two words I stopped marching. "You're joking, right?"
    The moment I finished that sentence, I saw a tall blonde guy rushing in. "We're late!" he shouted at he nearly smashed into Linda, but instead, kissing her quickly on the cheek. "Whatcha still doin' here, baby?"
    "Class is cancelled," I answered bluntly. "We're here for no reason."
    David blinked with his eyes twice until he finally answered. "You're kidding?"
    I shaked my head, "sorry mate."
    "Then," David mentioned as he placed his index finger to his chin, making him look pretty intelligent too, "then I'm going to catch up some sleep."
    "And you're not taking me along?" Linda asked the tall guy in a seductive tone.
    "Wished I could," David answered a bit embarrassed. "But I'm dyin' out here."
    "How long did you sleep, David?" I asked in a sarcastic tone, already knowing the answer.
    "Whatcha talkin' about Frank?" David sneered at me, "you know I was at Oscar's party all night long. I took an all-nighter."
    My sight immediately went to Linda with a little smile on my face. "Well?"
    She nodded. "Fair enough. Go home David," she quietly spoke, clearly feeling defeated.
    "Come on," I said to Linda as I gave her a push to her back. "Leave him alone for once," I continued, "you've been bangin' him enough now."
    Again she nodded, "fair enough," and she followed me through the school.

    "Anywhere you still need to go, Linda?" I asked her as we took a stroll through the school and finally got to my car. Unfortunately for Linda, she didn't have a car, but does have a licence.
    "Yeah," she replied in her usual friendly tone. "I promised to visit a friend today. Can you drop me off at the busstop?"
    "Sure I can," I replied with a giant smile crossing my face. "But if I'll do so, that's the question." Right after I finished my sentence, I got yet another phone call. "I'm popular today."
    I looked at who it was and saw the name of my girlfriend: Sally. "Afternoon, babe," were my first words.
    "Hey, there are some problems at school. Think you can help us out with your fine muscles?" Sally seductively told me on the phone.
    "Moving things?" I curiousely asked, this time in a serious tone.
    "Yeah, mostly."
    "Be right there," I closed the call with. After mentioning my last line, I dropped the phone in my pocket and suddenly saw the face of Linda in front of me again. "Ya' know what, Lin," I started my sentence, "at what time are you planning of coming back?"
    "About 3 in the afternoon, I guess," she replied a bit unsure.
    I nodded. "That's good enough for me, babe," I smilingly replied. With a quick movement, I threw my car keys in the air, making sure to throw them in a way she would catch it, which she perfectly did.
    "What's with it?" she asked, not sure of what I meant.
    "Take my car, I'll be stuck here 'till at least three," I answered, laughing a bit dumb while placing my hand behind my head.
    "Gotcha," she answered, quickly giving me a kiss on the cheek and walked towards my car.
    "Gotta run," I joked at her, but really did ran towards the school again, knowing that my girl was waiting for me... somewhere.

    It didn't take long 'till I found her in a room with a lot of desks and chairs. "Ya' ain't gonna tell me that you want this all moved, right?"
    "I'm sure you'll do it," the black haired girl told me with a sly look on her face. "Or I'll make you."
    "You and what army?" I jokingly asked.
    "This one," she answered, kissing me.
    "I surrender," I quickly replied with. "But am I really supposed to do this by myself?"
    "No," she softly answered. "Tim, Michael, Bernard and Oscar will be here in a few minutes," she continued to give me a sparkle of hope, "they'll cheer you on," were the exact words that made me lose hope.
    "Oh, I didn't expect anything else," I sarcastically answered. "But I'm sure Oscar won't be here," I continued. "He gave a party last night. According to David, it took all-night long."
    "Seriously?"
    "Yeah," I replied, "luckily I didn't go. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to help my baby."
    "Really nice, Frank," the shorter, but gorgeous girl answered in reply. The way she looked made me fall for her in the past. I still loved her just as much as I did before.
    "Cut the sentimental crap," a giant dark man said as he stepped through the doorway. Do know that he had to duck to fit through the doorway.
    "Welcome Bernard," I shouted, opening up my arms. "Come to daddy."
    "Suck me!"
    "I'll pass," I quietly whispered. "I'm sure you've had your share at Oscar's last night.
    "Sure did, mate," Bernard answered as he picked up a desk. "Where do you want this, Sally?"
    "Room 402," Sally answered with a shy smile on her face. "You'd do that for me, right?"
    "Room 402?" Bernard and I answered at the same time. "That's two floors up!"
    "Um..." Sally answered with still the same dumb smile on her face. "Yeah."
    Bernard and I looked at each other for a minute. Lifted our shoulders and both said, again at the same time, "okay."

    It was nearly three when we were done. We finished up a lot faster than we thought, especially because Michael and Oscar decided not to show up. Bernard, Tim and I already decided that we would pay them a visit when we were finished. I just had to wait for Linda to come back, so I could get my car to drive us to them. Despite the giant difference of looks between the dark man, Bernard and myself, I was a complete year older than Bernard.
    "Wanna go?" Michael, the bald guy asked me as he was getting a bit impatient. "I mean, you already sent Sally home, I'd like to go by now too."
    "Yeah, we've been waitin' on the parkin' lot for fifteen minutes now, mate."
    I spitted in the direction of Michael, who was at a far enough distance to be harmed by it. "Just you wait. I'm sure Linda will be showin' up in a minute in my beautiful unscratched car."
    "If she's takin' so long, don't count on the 'unscratched' part, Frank," Bernard laughingly answered. While listening to the annoying laughter of Bernard, I could hear my phone go yet again.
    "You got friends, Frank?" Michael asked me in a mocking tone.
    "More than you, that's for sure," I asked as I picked up the phone, this time not looking who was calling. "Hello?"

    It remained quiet on the other side of the line for nearly fifteen seconds until I decided to look on my phone who was calling. "Sally?" I asked, after I heard some heavy breathing in the phone.
    "F... Frank," she stutteringly started to talk. "Linda is," she continued in a stuttering tone.
    "What's up, Frank?" Michael asked in a curious, but still mocking tone. "Sally reached Oscar before us?"
    I raised my finger towards Michael, ordering him to be quiet for a minute. The serious expression on my face made Michael serious too and the constant laughter of Bernard stopped immediately too. "What's with Linda?" I asked Sally on the phone. "Is she late?"
    "Come to this address," Sally managed to say before hanging up the phone. She gave the exact location of where we had to be and immediately hung up afterwards.
    "Uhhh..." I started, "Sally wants us to go somewhere."
    "Is it important?" Bernard asked. "I really want to kick Oscar's ass."
    "Yeah, so do I. I'm pretty willing to wait for Linda, if necessary," Michael added to it.
    "I'm pretty sure it's about Linda," I explained, "it's something serious guys," I added to it. "She wouldn't talk to me like that otherwise."
    Both guys nodded to each other and started to walk towards the location Sally mentioned. It was nearby, so a little sprint of the three of us would get us there within five minutes.

    The closer we got, the more police and people we saw. They were crowding the entire area until we saw what really happened. Two cars smashed against each other. Little was left of both cars.
    "What the hell," Michael nearly shouted. "Waste of two nice cars man."
    "Yeah," I answered. "Where's Sally?"
    "Over there," Bernard pointed towards a certain location. She was talking with another guy at that moment. A blonde guy that looked pretty good to us. Without any further hesitation of the three of us, we ran towards her.
    "Frank!" she called out to me. The first thing I saw was tears on her face.
    "Bastard!" I yelled as I immediately punched the guy who was standing next to her. I obviousely hit him hard enough to fall. He didn't get up either. "What the..."
    "That's Tim!" Michael nearly shouted.
    "What's going on here, Sally?" I asked her in a more angry tone than anything else.
    "The cars," she stutteringly tried to tell me. She didn't manage to finish her sentence before I placed my arm around her and looked at the two smashed cars. "Linda, she's..."
    For a second, Bernard, Michael and I looked seriously at her. "You aren't going to tell me that Linda is..." Bernard clearly couldn't finish his sentence. He placed his giant hand in front of his mouth out of shock. Michael immediately fell on his knees after realizing what he meant. "No wonder that the car looked so familiar," he managed to blurt out before nearly throwing up.
    "What," I, now stutteringly answered, "what about David?" I answered quietly, not sure how to answer. In the mean time I saw Sally giving her hand to Tim, helping him stand up. "Is he already aware of what happened?"
    "No," Sally answered, this time without any stuttering.
    "We think it's best," Tim continued Sally's sentence, "we think it's best if you tell him."
    "Me?" I asked him, looking him direct in the eyes.
    Michael placed his hand on my left shoulder, nodding his head. "Yeah. If anyone should tell him, it should be you."
    Bernard agreed, placing his hand on my other shoulder. "Sorry mate."
    With a shrug I removed the hands of my friends off my shoulders. I quickly picked up my phone and called David.

    "What's up, Frank?" he asked after nearly immediately picking up the phone.
    "We need to talk," I said in a stern tone.
    "Where's the fire?" David replied in his usual goofy tone. Who can blame him? He hasn't slept for a day now.
    "Forest fire," I replied to him. He knew exactly how bad the situation was now.
    "Oh man," he replied. "Where do we meet?"
    "I'm takin' Tim's car to your house," I answered his question. Luckily, David and I have been neighbours for years now, so it is only best.
    "Why not your own car?"
    "I'll be tellin' you that as soon as I get there."
    "Linda crashed your car?"
    "Yeah."
    "Seriously?"
    I remained silent this time upon his question. "I'll be right there."
    "Gotcha."

    It took me a few minutes until I got there. I think the police ignored my car, because I passed one police car with a speed that is definitely not permitted.
    "David!" I shouted while I stepped out of the car, in front of our houses.
    "Frank," he quickly replied, running out of his house. "What the hell happened? Is Linda alright?"
    I looked the tall blonde guy straight in the eyes. Words were not even necessary. "I'm sorry," I finally mentioned.
    "Are you sure?!" David asked, for confirmation. I could see his legs getting weaker every passing second.
    "I'm sure."
    "How?!" he asked as he fell to his knees.
    "I don't know," I asked while I closed my eyes and hugged David. "I am so sorry."

    "I am so... so sorry."

    ---​

    This is written for a Story Contest. The story had to be at least three pages, written in an hour of time and has to be about an accident. This is the best I could make in an hour of time with giving it no further thought. The title got the most thought.

    Give some comments if you feel like it.
     
  2. Arkidas

    Arkidas New Member

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    I read it all, and enjoyed it. Learned 3 new words :) Noticed that you used stutter as an adjective but I don't think that's possible. I perfectly the characters and the story line. Not really predictable. I give it Five of Five :) Good job.
     
  3. Cokemonkey11

    Cokemonkey11 New Member

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    "perfectly the characters and the story line" not sure i understand this statement..
     
  4. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    Learned three new words? Might I ask which words they are? :p

    I'm not sure. But within an hour of time, I really didn't have the time to check if I could use the word. I noticed many other mistakes as well, which I just didn't have the time to fix. Besides that, I also repeated a lot of unnecessary words over and over again, which is a bad thing. That all appeared because I had t rush it.

    Thank you, though I personally thought it was quite predictable, not to mention that the characters I used were quite dull, except that I rarely use such kind of types. I do recognize myself a bit in one of them though, but that's unintentionally. In all honestly, I am absolutely not impressed by this story and I find it merely decent, more leaning to the bad side than anything else. Though it started out reasonable well, it is very clear that I started to rush things about halfway through the story and it is even more obvious that I was running out of time near the end. Judging how much time I need for something is my weakest point in my life, which is not ignoring names or maths. However, the judging how much time I need for something doesn't really bother me much in general, in opposite of names and calculations.

    Now I just hope that the judges agree with your opinion, Arkidas. :p
     
  5. Arkidas

    Arkidas New Member

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    I predicted that Linda would steal the car :)
     
  6. Undead_Lives

    Undead_Lives New Member

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    Hm, intriguing title :p
    The writing style is ok, personally I feel that the main character's personality didn't stand out as unique or any of that, but hey, it was done within an hour :p
    I'd go through all the grammar/spelling, but I doubt you'd want it. So, it's pretty good, but as for "greatness", I'd say no. But like I said, you wrote it within an hour.
     
  7. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    The lack of time is no excuse for it, but the point just is, it wasn't the intention to let the main character have a great, unique or special personality. As a matter of fact, I was going for quite a cliche type, which I think I was more than successful in. Despite that I had to rush it in the end, I am quite pleased with how I described the personality of the main character. And despite my bad thoughts about it at the start, my opinion of the story improved dramatically much a while ago. As a matter of fact, if I didn't have rushed it, I am convinced I could place it among my best short stories, which obviously aren't my specialty. On the other hand, perhaps the rushing was something good in this case, as the fast pace in the story was fitting, and the main character(s) were also right for it. The cue that it would be a fast paced one was easily found out when I already showed that the main character (and his best friend) overslept and had to rush to get to school. The pace decreased after that and picked it up after they finished moving the stuff.
    This doesn't mean I am completely satisfied with it. Not at all. If I remember right, Oscar never made an appearance (only his name) and one of the guys didn't show up during the moving. It was simply because I had a lack of time and it would only be a bad thing to introduce them and let them be swallowed by the sea. That's quite sad. Not to mention that all characters that were introduced were related to each other as (good) friends, if not having a relationship. The two - mover - friends were a piece of art from my side though; I am completely satisfied with them (which I am rarely). The conversations in the story seem to have gotten a good grip too and I am pleased that I managed to get a piece of their... way of speaking. I, Fladian, personally, curse a lot. This is partly thanks to a couple of friends who really get on my nerves - *cough*Franklin*cough* - though I don't really mind it. Combined with my bluntless, it is quite funny, actually. But despite that none of the characters in the story are based on someone specific, I am happy that I managed to grab their personality as good as I did.

    I wouldn't mind, but it is not really necessary. As the last parts of the story clearly show; I was running out of time when I was nearing the end, giving me no time (at all) to correct my mistakes. There are also numerous use of similar words at specific places; those can easily be recognized as words I like using (in real life often too, but then again, I don't speak that much English outside of the internet, despite being completely fluent in it) but I obviously used them too much. Not too much of a problem now, but it is on the long term.

    Despite my... opposite reaction of what I am saying now, I am more than pleased with how it turned out to be... for a short story. It is not that good compared to my longer ((un)finished) ones, but I'm sure it earned itself a nice place among my short stories.

    Still, it is written in an hour, which forced me to increase the pace by several notches, which might have done it some good in the end. I am considering joining another similar contest some day again when one shows up. Especially because my general writing style is slow and constructive. But then again, outside of the internet, I am slow and constructive as well. =P
     
  8. Undead_Lives

    Undead_Lives New Member

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    Well, if you were going for a cliche character, then yes, you did that quite well.
    Now, I'm gonna read the rest of yours, how about you read mine? >.>
     
  9. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    Read yours? I can't recall you had anything new here.

    Eitherway, I don't have time for it today. Wednesday - project-day.
     
  10. Undead_Lives

    Undead_Lives New Member

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    Not new, just something no one has read >.>
    Right to Live.
     

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