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Eternal Smile

Discussion in 'Stories' started by Fladian, Feb 23, 2007.

  1. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    [​IMG]

    Eternal Smile


    Inspired by the following:
    Guus Meeuwis, Dutch artist, a song called 'Bloemen.' (Flowers)
    James Blunt, English artist, a song called 'You're Beautiful.'
    And my best friend.
    Thank you, Guus, James and my best friend.

    Wherever I look, I see flowers only. Flowers blooming everywhere in spring. It is as if it reflects my personality and your life. Rose; that was your name. The girl that lived on the hill nearby and the name of a beautiful girl that stole my heart.
    When I look outside from my window at home, I can see your house on the hill nearby. Like ours, it is a normal brick house, but with the flowers blooming on the hill, the way it looks changes completely. It suddenly has a much more attractiveness than the house I live in. The blooming flowers must reflect you, its beauty and glory, it is exactly like you.

    Today is a day as so many, I pass your house and I notice an immediate decrease in my wandering pace. Daily I pass your house and every time it feels the time is nearly stopping. The road to your love is a far one, but close by from where I live. From my destination and your house on the hill is only a fifteen minutes walk and every day when I walk there, I just hope; I just hope that I once meet you with a smile.
    But even when we meet, I'm sure you don't know who I am and you would pass me without a smile. It wouldn't matter, though I will keep hoping and wishing that you would once approach me with that eternal smile crossing your lovely face. Never shall I forget that smile. Reality is cruel. You always pass me without that smile, without seeing my hand.
    I walk here daily and I have seen the summer pass without you. Still, I hope on a day, that we will meet each other with a smile.

    A lot of nuts on the road I walk on; I am the biggest. Simply because I have yet to bring myself to your door and finally meet each other with the smile I yearn for, for so long.
    I walk here daily and three quater of the year has passed and I keep hoping on that meeting with your smile.
    Slowly snow fills the roads where once the beautiful flowers bloomed and it is getting colder as I feel the time stopping when I pass your house again. What once has been the most heartwarming feeling is now transformed to an icy cold wind that blows against my pure heart. And without you knowing, the snow reflects the two of us again. The comfort and peacefulness is exactly like us and we slowly age without that I have even reached your door just yet. The road is long and not straight. Reality is cruel and it feels like fate don't want us to be together. It may be time to face the truth, never shall I be with you.
    Daily I walk here, the year is almost passed and still I hope for a day, a day where we would meet with a smile.

    Meeting you was inevitable. Reality that has been once so cruel to us has decided to give up. With no flowers blooming and no sun to shine, I finally saw my angel, my tender rose. As if fate decided to give a helping hand, fireworks lightened the dark sky and stars fell when your view fell on me. The roaring sound on the background reflected my heart once again, instead of comfort or peace it now resembled surprise and my love to you as eternal as your smile.
    Flowers bloom again on the grassy hill and what has once been the beautiful area that has been so like you, it is again, like before. With the sun slowly passing in the sky we finally feel that age has not caught up just yet. Time has been standing still since we met and it hasn't been too long since our lips touched.
    I ask: 'Why do I walk here daily?'

    I walked here daily and now I remember why. An entire year of a fifteen minutes walk and a passing of flowers. That entire year was worth it, just to see us meeting each other with a pleasant expression on my face and your eternal smile crossing yours. Everything I once have done was worth it.

    Now we both smile when thinking back to it.
     
  2. Mavus

    Mavus New Member

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    I don't exactly have time to read it now, but Thanks Guus and "your best friend" whom I shall not name. :) . I'm definately read it when I get a chance, tommorow hopefully.
     
  3. Undead_Lives

    Undead_Lives New Member

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    I personally don't like it. That's just because it says a lot about nothing and goes nowhere. This makes me feel as if it's pointless, I mean even short stories have action. This was just describing...
    I noticed there was a drop in grammatical accuracy. Perhaps you're a little rusty? :p Also, you started out in present tense, then you say you "look back on it" which doesn't make sense...
    One more thing, the line "It suddenly has a much more attractiveness than the house I live in" is not well worded. A possible replacement is "It is suddenly more attractive than the house I live in."
    I think it would be fine if it had something more going on. Or if it was just an exerpt of a larger piece.
     
  4. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    It is a style I rarely, or rather never, use. But it has come out better than I expected, to be honest. Especially when you consider that I haven't written anything for months thanks to a somewhat busy time. (I have been brainstorming a lot though)

    I noticed that myself in just about everything recently. I'm a bit curious of the cause, which can be three of the following things:
    1. I have been skipping English class for several weeks now.
    2. It's just this story; it is something I've never tried before and nearly every sentence had to be reconstructed every time to make a point.
    3. As you said, perhaps I'm a little rusty.

    The entire story swings back from present to past and once to the future, if I remember right. That was no mistake, it was supposed to be like that.

    That and another sentence (which I can't find at the moment; but I surely haven't removed it) bothered me intensively while writing it. I guess I couldn't find a better way to word it than I did at the moment.

    None of it would have been the case. Nothing was suppose to be going on and it isn't supposed to be related to something larger (how unusual it is for me, it really is a stand-alone). Partly it has been based on two songs, as I mentioned at the top (James Blunt & Guus Meeuwis) and maybe the event with my best friend should have happened a little while ago, perhaps then it would have been more fitting, it being Valentine and stuff. =)

    A particular friend also requested activity in the Anvil story forum and nearly pleated for another Story Contest, which I declined from because of the low activity in general. That was the main reason (or rather, motivation) why I decided to write it. With your story, Undead, posted now as well, he should probably be satisfied for the time being.
     
  5. Undead_Lives

    Undead_Lives New Member

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    Hm, yes I'd like some comments on that story...I think it's quite good...well I'll wait for comments on it.

    As for yours, I think the problem I had with it was that it wasn't exactly clear with using the change in tense. Although I don't know how you could rectify it.
     

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