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a Fragment of Life

Discussion in 'Stories' started by Fladian, Jan 18, 2008.

  1. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    This is a Fragment of Life. In opposite of most other stories I've ever written, this is one of the only titles that explain the entire story. It's literally a fragment out of the life of someone; in this case: David.

    When I learned this story had potential and it was successful under a selective group of people, I stopped writing and decided to change language. So, you could say this is an unfinished story that has no chance of being continued. Nonetheless, it may be fun to read. It was supposed to be Drama that would start out with some light jokes and a perhaps a form of romance. It never got to the point of Drama, but the jokes and some hints that it would has some romantic points in it do show.

    It is the very last English piece I've written over the past who-knows-how-many months, next to my resume.

    Well worth noting: This story was officially inspired by the Quote of the Day, most of the events in the story are based on real situations. What I would like to mention: Note the strangest events throughout the story, those are literally based on real life situations what I experienced. To move the phone to someone else's ear is something I really did, for example.
    David is based on a piece of myself and a friend. Ironically, Sandra is based on that same friend, but also slightly on my best friend.
    Harold, Dennis and Melanie are based on mutual friends of the earlier mentioned people, although the relationship between Harold and Melanie is fictional, but so is the relationship between David and Sandra.

    Note: The hug from behind is starting to become my trademark. :wink:

    ---​
    A loud sigh of a man beside me brought me back to reality. I couldn't believe it was winter already. The train station looked so different only five months earlier, when it was still summer. Not only the station was different, but the people too. Five months ago people walked with not a care in the world and as much flesh shown as possible without insulting anyone by it. Now the people were trying to hide as much flesh as possible. Just like the streets used to be filled with filth and all other messy things, they were now hidden by a big layer of pure white snow. Everything that wasn't covered by the giant roof of the station was hidden under a thick white material, which was better known as mere snow.

    A sound at the station got me out of my trance of thoughts. The sound was always played when they had to announce something, and when they have to announce something, it is always bad news. I removed the plugs of my mp3player from my ears and listened to the announcement.
    "Passengers for the train to Amsterdam are being..." I didn't bother to listen any further and returned the plugs back in my ears to continue to listen to my favorite music, but before I could put them back in, I heard a massive number of people sighing in relief. I bet they all were on their way home and didn't want the train to be delayed. A soft sigh escaped my mouth while I did so. My journey isn't going to Amsterdam, so I had nothing to worry about and I assume that most people who sighed are not on their way to the capital either.

    It was a cold day and although I was wearing a thick sweater and an even thicker jacket over it, I was still cold. I never really liked cold days that much - winter was definitely the most annoying season of them all. Cold days are annoying, but most of all, I hated snow. They were the symbol of winters, and I disliked winters, so I automaticly started to dislike snow as well. Not only was it in my mind, but it really grew on me as well. The cracking sound of walking on snow or when some of the flocks drop into your jacket, they were all hideous to me.
    A shiver ran down my spine when I thought about it. I felt my entire body shivering shortly after when I kept thinking of all disadvantages of the winter. Out of impatience, I grabbed my cell phone and opened it, to check the time. It was still at least fifteen minutes until the train would show up - assuming that it wouldn't be delayed. The chances that it will be delayed were there; the snow was heavy and it wouldn't be a first that they would cancel train routes because of it. Despite that I am standing in one of the, if not the biggest stations of the entire country, it wouldn't be a first for it to be completely out of its function and that it stopped all trains from riding.
    "Huh?" I suddenly heard myself whisper, just loud enough to hear myself over my music from my mp3player.

    I inspected my phone again and suddenly noticed a small enveloppe at the bottom left corner of my phone's screen. Such things always indicate that I received an sms, something I tend to miss because I usually don't hear my ringtone. Blame the age of my phone, it was still a big one and it really looked outdated. But as long as it works fine and I can still read the screen I see no reason why to buy a new one. Besides I don't have the money for it. With a quick click with my thumb I opened the sms to read who send it and what this person wanted to tell me.
    "Hey Davy," were the first words I read of the sms. My mind already concluded that the sms was from Sandra; she was the only person who ever called me Davy, all other people use my full name: David. "At what time does your classes end? If it's around five, do you want me to wait at the station? I really need to talk to you." That was rare. Despite that Sandra and I have been friends since we became classmates a year ago, although we are in seperate classes now, it usually is me who is asking this. Of all times, I can't recall a single time where she asked me if we could meet up.

    I shrugged, feeling a weight being lifted from my shouders, and started to type the reply: "Hey Sandra. My classes already ended. I'm at the station right now." I looked around before I send the reply back to my friend. With my type of luck, she would be standing a few meters away from me and it would be a complete waste of money to send it. But after looking around and not seeing a sign of her, I decided to send it. I was kind of excited to see her again - it has been almost two months since we last saw each other, although that didn't really keep us from having contact. I call her once a week to check how she is doing out of curiousity. I never got over the fact that we aren't classmates anymore and I got an unhealthy curiousity in how she was doing at multiple times a day. That doesn't mean that I always call or sms her when I think that.
    I noticed my pocket viberating while I just listened to my music and I quickly picked my phone back out of it. This time it wasn't just an sms, but a phone call instead - a phone call of Sandra. After reading it was Sandra who was calling, I immediately answered the phone call. "Hey Sandra."

    "Hey Davy," she replied on the other end of the phone, but in an obviously excited voice, "where are you?"

    "At the station." I replied coldly.

    I could easily hear a sigh on the other end of the phone, "no, geez," she replied, "be a bit more specific, David. Where are you at the station?"

    "I'm standing next to a vending machine at track F," I said with a calm tone in my voice, absolutely not equaling her excitement. "And I'm standing below a big clock. You can't miss me." Grinning of my own statement, it suddenly hit me that I didn't ask where she is; immediately I corrected myself by asking it: "And where are you?"

    "Walking in your direction" she replied with no tone in her voice. "Or at least, I sure hope that I am walking into your direction."

    This caused me to look around and despite of a huge crowd at the station, I finally noticed her walking slowly with a phone pushed against her ear. The brunette was, indeed, walking towards me, but she didn't notice me yet. Suddenly she turned around, obviously thinking that she already missed me because she was standing next to another vending machine. "No, I'm in the other way," I said in the phone. She immediately turned left, which was still not the right direction. "The other way" I repeated myself. This time she turned right, which was still not completely the right direction. I could not help but sigh, "the other direction, doofus."

    "Where?" she asked as she kept turning now but still standing on the same place.

    "Nevermind." I said to my friend. "I'm heading your way instead." As I said this, I started to walk, but because I had to take a step backwards first, I bumped into a large dark man who was reading his newspaper.

    "Watch it kid." He said with a remarkable low voice. The man was a full head taller than I was and he was a lot broader than me too. I quickly made an apologizing gesture and I continued walking. I couldn't help but notice that he had his name written on his briefcase. Craig Fisher, it said.

    "Doesn't seem Dutch to me." crossed my mind when I read it. Despite that he had a full Dutch accent, his name made me think of Brittish or American people. I didn't give it any further thought because I noticed the beautiful brunette Sandra getting closer in my view. "Do you seem me now?" I asked her on the phone while I kept walking into her direction.

    "Not yet." she said, still looking in the wrong direction.

    When I finally reached her, I just couldn't resist. "Say something nice." I said in the phone and I immediately placed my phone close to her ear. She didn't notice it at all that I was standing behind her and that I placed my phone so close to her face.

    "Something ni-" she immediately interrupted when she heard herself talking. Without any hesitation, she turned around and I could finally see her beautiful smile again. The last time I looked into her pure blue eyes felt like many years ago. Her face wasn't just beautiful either, she had the look of pure delight written in her expression - she was really happy to see me. "Davy!" she shouted as she made a small jump and kissed me on the cheek. Again, this was unexpected, she never does, despite that she knows that I am hopelessly in love with her.

    "Whoa!" I shouted. With two hands I grabbed her at the shoulder and pulled her back from me. "What did I deserve that on?" I asked her, looking her straight in her overlly happy face.

    She grinned at me first. "I just felt like doing that."

    "In that case," I said with a similar grin on my face, "I won't stop you then." This caused us both to smile and chuckle slightly at each other until she finally released me. "Tell me," I said, breaking the ice again, "why did you want to see me? Did something happen?" Unintentionally there was a little hope in my voice. She knew above all that I was still in love with her - but she had a good relationship with her boyfriend, which I simply don't want to come in between. She doesn't see me any differently than a friend and I know that; I've also accepted it. But I cannot forget her, nor my feelings about her, as long as our contact remains, there is not a single way for me to forget her or to ignore my feelings. But the fact that she kissed me and wanted to see me very badly got my hopes up.

    "Feo got kittens!" she shouted with pure happiness in the tone of her voice. She was utterly delighted about her own news. Feo is her kitten and has been for the past seven years. For some reason, the first time I visited her, Feo immediately got a liking towards me and was constantly around. Every other time I dropped by, I always was swamped by the attention of the little brown beast. Cute as he was, there is a thing like overkill.

    "Sandra!" I almost shouted, "that's great!"

    She excitedly nodded on hearing my enthusiastic answer. Despite of my earlier thoughts and assumptions, my answer was not a lie but instead was the full truth. I like Feo and there is no denying that. "I've promised Lisa to think of names for our new kittens."

    This got me slightly off guard. I dropped my backbag on the ground and looked at her straight in the eyes, but this time with a more serious expression. "Do you mean you want to keep the kittens?"

    "Of course. We couldn't bear to give them away. And we couldn't do that to Feo either. She loves her kittens way too much."

    "You're right," I said after taking a deep breath. I completely forgot how much Sandra loves animals and other creatures. She took the phrase 'he wouldn't hurt a fly' literally - she honestly wouldn't hurt a fly. She once told me that she captured a mosquito in a glass jar when it kept zooming in her room. She couldn't bear to kill it and instead captured it and released it outside afterwards. "So, how is Lisa anyway? I haven't seen her for a while now."

    The eyes of Sandra didn't stop sparkling as our conversation continued. "She's fine, David. But she said that you should stop by some time."

    "I will. It just have been some rough times lately."

    "What's wrong?"

    "Nothing," I brushed it off. "Just a stroke of bad luck in grades at school and some problems at work." During a pauze I looked at her. It was incredible that I fell for her a few years ago. There is no secret in it that she is absolutely my type, but neither is it a secret that she has a boyfriend and that she really loves him. Like she can't bear to kill a fly, I can't bear making any real move towards her. "You know," I said. "The usual problems."

    "In that case," she said with a broad smile on her face. But before she could continue her sentence, her phone rang. By pointing her index finger up she gestured to me to wait a moment. Despite of the loud environment, she managed to pick up the phone and understand the person on the other line. "Hey Dennis."

    "Dennis, huh?" I whispered to myself as I turned my side to her and brought my view to the railroad. If anyone knows, it would be me. Dennis is the boyfriend of Sandra and has been for quite a number of years. She was as eager as always on the phone. For some reason she always kept smiling whenever she was on the phone, regardless who she was calling with. It gave her a very cheery image, which usually is the case with her anyway. That's probably the reason why I fell for her in the first place. I gave a sigh as I looked at the big clock at the station. "Two minutes late. Damn train."

    "Sorry Davy," Sandra said. She closed her phone and dropped it back into her handbag again. "Dennis wanted to let me know he'll be late today." Despite of her cheery behavior on the phone, most of that disappeared when she talked to me again. She was still happy, about the kittens no doubt, but in a different way. "He still had to arrange some stuff at work. Kinda disappointing actually," she continued. Her face started to become a bit grim while she kept telling, "I was hoping that he would be home early today. I knew he was going to be a bit late, but I didn't think that late."

    I bended my back a bit to look her straight in the face. She was a little shorter than I was, but every once in a while I took my advantage of it by acting taller than that I actually am. "Oh?" I said with a mischievous grin on my face, "so to kill time you decide to go find out what I am up to?"

    She turned a bit red and she immediately avoided eye contact. "Um..." she whispered, obviously hesitating to speak, "kinda."

    I straightened my back again while the mischievous grin turned into a natural one. "Heh" I heard myself say. With a small movement I placed my hand on the head of Sandra and stroke her hair. "Good girl."

    "Damn you, Davy!" Sandra shouted. "I'm not a dog!"

    "No," I answered honestly, "but you're just as obedient." This created a smile on her face, but purely because of the joke than any other reason. Her smiling face always felt special to me. That I had a thing for her is obvious, but it was her smile that always made me feel better. It could change the worst kind of days into the best days I've ever had. "You're just as cute too."

    "Thanks."

    "You're welcome" I said in return with an overly big smile crossed on my face. Half of my words didn't come through because of a train that was nearing - our train. When it finally stopped and a load of people flushed out of it, I could finally make myself understandable again to Sandra: "Finally."

    "Don't be impatient, Davy," she said with a slight annoyance in her voice too. The annoyance was obviously directed to the train and not to me. "It's late. Now, come on." She stepped into the train while she kept sputtering things. I couldn't understand half of what she was saying, but that didn't matter; I already kinda knew what she was blabbering about. But when she finally walked in front of me, I had to gulp down some spit. Because of the packed station, I didn't realize at all how good she looked. She had her auburn short hair styled and layed down in two ways next to her face. It gave her a bit of an innocent look, but her blue jeans seemed a bit different too. Maybe it were her large brown boots with a yellow or goldish line at the top that made them seem special, or maybe the combination with her light brown jacket was what brought it to the spotlight. Eitherway, some kind of combination made her look good. When we entered one of the train wagons, which existed out of about fourty seats, I had to stop admiring her or I would trip over one of the extended feet of the people who were sitting too comfortable in one of the train chairs. It didn't seem like we had a place to sit down for the first few stations. "I hate this," I heard Sandra mutter, "don't misunderstand me, I don't dislike trains or this hour-trip with it." She was right too. There was no problem with a train trip, especially this one. It takes a little longer than an hour to get to our destination, but we usually had a way to entertain our selves till then. A book, a mp3player, all kind of things were possible to entertain yourself. If it's quiet in the train, even a bit of schoolwork can be done. "I just hate it when it's packed like this."

    I nodded upon hearing that. "Yeah." With that statement, I took another step forward and hugged her from behind. As usual, she gave no response at all. No movement, not a word, nothing. That was typical of her. "You smell nice." I whispered into her ear as I kept the hug clean. We felt the train moving as we stood there in the narrow path with people in front, behind and next to us.

    "Thanks."

    "Do you remember how we met for the first time?" I whispered into her ear while not breaking the hug for a single second. She had enough room to make any move, but she wasn't moving at all.

    Sandra remained quiet for a few seconds until she gave her reply. With still no further movement she said "no, I honestly can't remember how we met."

    I knew that she couldn't remember such things. She never had a good memory when it came to things like this. "We met right here," I said. There was no lie in it either. The first time we met outside of school was inside a train. We were both on our way to school and we were standing almost next to each other. We looked at each other constantly, but we didn't dare to approach each other, as it would seem like we were strangers to each other. "Back then, we met in the train." I explained, this time with a second thought in it too. "I remember that I thought back then: 'what a beautiful girl, I wonder who she is.' Little did I know that we would become classmates shortly after that." I nestled my head further into her hair to get even closer to her ear. "Of course after that I've done my best to memorize the name of such a beautiful girl."

    She chuckled upon hearing that - and that was practically the first movement she made since I hugged her. Because she shaked her body while chuckling, I loosened my hug a bit. "Thanks Davy," she said, turning her head a bit to see a part of me. "But I don't think I knew your name back then... or anyone of our class for that matter."

    Now it was my turn to chuckle. "I guess you're right in that." But none of what I said was a lie. That were really my thoughts when I met her back then, both in the train and at school. But thinking someone is beautiful and really get feelings for her are two different things. "Quite a lot of time has passed since then, huh?"

    "Yeah." she nodded. Because I remained quiet shortly after that, she looked in front of her again. She was looking directly outside of a window in the train. There wasn't much to see because it was getting dark, but it was better than spying on the people in the train, although that can be fun too. "By the way," she suddenly asked, trying to turn around and releasing herself from my hug - although the hug was more starting to become like I was leaning on her than that I was actually hugging her. "How is Harold? I haven't talked to him for a while now."

    Harold was a former classmate of her and me. Because she decided to transfer schools, she lost a lot of contact with the people who stayed at the previous school. Harold and I were still somewhat friends and I was next to phone calls and MSN their only way to have contact with each other. "I think he's fine," I said, trying to remember the last time I've talked to him. "It's been a while since I talked to him too, I think."

    "Not longer than me, no doubt."

    "Of course." I immediately said. Harold and I never have been all that close, but she for some reason had a giant liking towards him. You could say that I am afraid that she would eventually pick him over myself. I'd be going crazy out of jealousy if that would happen. "The last time I talked to him was when I was going out with Richard and some others."

    "Did he go with you guys?"

    "No," I said, still trying to remember correctly where we met up with him. "No, I think we stumbled across him when we were searching for a new bar."

    She looked a bit surprised at me, "what do you mean? Searching for a new bar?"

    "Richard and I were no longer interested in the old places so we decided to head for new places." There was no secret in it either. Since Richard and I went out a year ago, we kept heading to the same places. They did become very trusted places for us, but they got a bit boring too. If you head to the same places over and over again, all the special feelings about it disappear. Unless you return there after a while, then all the old feelings can return. "He was going out with some people from his job. We had a quick chat with him, but that's about it."

    "See," she said with a creepy smile crossed on her face. "It has been less time ago since you talked to him than I have."

    "Huh?" I hummed while I moved over to bring my face close to hers. "When did I deny that then, huh?"

    The creepy smile turned into a real one as I got so close. Almost as soon as I got that close, she turned her head away. When we only just met, she always did that too. She kept doing it too when I confessed my feelings towards her - back then I thought she was afraid that I was going to kiss her. Apparently it was just a natural reaction from her than anything else. "Nevermind it then, Davy."

    "Whatever you say sergeant Waddens." Back when we were classmates, she had the habit of ordering some of us around. Despite that I had nothing against her doing that, I did make a joke about it. Sometimes I called her sergeant Waddens. Waddens is her lastname.

    With a little push against my chest, she stuck out her tongue, right after she said: "Get outta here, Davy! Sergeant Waddens isn't fun anymore."

    "Not for you perhaps." I answered with a big grin spread out on my face. She never really liked the joke, but everyone who heard it liked it and some even repeated it. "But I still like it."

    She made a mean sound and turned away from me again to look back outside of the window. The train was still crowded and despite that it wasn't that hard to understand each other because of the noices, we still couldn't keep an easy pose without pushing against other people. All seats were still taken as well and everytime the train stopped, it took more people in, but it almost seemed if no one was leaving. And if someone was leaving, it felt like one person left and two came to fill his place. It was not surprising either. At this time of day, all people want to go home, so it immediately becomes a crowd.
    "Hey Davy," Sandra said out of the blue but still in a cheery way, "do you have any plans for Christmas?"

    "Christmas?" I asked, obviously with a surprised tone. Christmas was still a few weeks away and I didn't give it any thought yet. I never have been a person that plans a lot. I usually let it happen and then see what happens. "I don't know yet." I answered honestly. "Maybe I'll go out with Richard and the others if they feel like it."

    "On Christmas eve?"

    She kept me thinking for a moment. "Or maybe I'll go home... to my parents." Since a year ago I've been living on my own and really living the way a student should. I have a really bad relationship with my father, so I decided to live elsewhere mostly because of him. When I couldn't find a place to stay or live in the city I study, I decided to find a place in the city I come from. "I haven't seen my parents for some time now too. You're still with your parents, right?"

    "Yeah." There wasn't much she could answer on that. She, too, wanted to leave her home as soon as possible, but she didn't want to stay in the same city. She insisted on finding a place in the city she studied, which was a lot easier said than done. "I can't wait to find a place on my own." This time she turned around to me, "I'm really jealous of your place, you know? I really want a place of my own, or together with Dennis."

    "Move in with me?"

    "No, I meant with Dennis." she emphased the part that she wanted to live with Dennis or on her own. "Sorry Davy."

    "That's cold, Sandra." I said with a pretended sad face. "Really cold." It made us both laugh out loud. After a few seconds, she turned back to the window. At first I thought she liked scenery, but when I took a second look, I noticed what she was looking at. There was a carnaval at a square we were near of. "Oh no," I said a little louder than what I was supposed to say it. Sandra immediately turned her head to me and asked what was wrong. I quickly shaked my head as I kept looking at a ferris wheel that was standing above all other places. "I always hate it when the train passes this square." There are two train stops out here, one at the one side of the square, and one at the other side of the square. Suddenly a light bulp lit on me. "Hey Sandra," I asked, looking at her back, this time straight in the eyes. "Do you feel like going to the carnaval?"

    She quickly looked back at the window. You could easily see from her face that she wanted to go, but something was holding her back. Her kittens and the promise she made with Lisa got her thinking, no doubt. On the other hand, she also had to wait for Dennis, so she had some more spare time. "Alright," she said with a cheerful smile while she turned back to me. I could read her entire mind. It wasn't a first time either that I did this. Sometimes I just knew what she was thinking. I've known her long enough to do that. "Alright, let's go."
    I quickly took a look around and noticed that the train was already slowing down to stop. We were at the second square, so we had to walk a little bit to the carnaval. It didn't take very long until Sandra and I and a lot of other unknown people finally blurted out of the train. It felt like a giant relief, as if we could finally breath again. We felt clustered up inside, although the sudden cold air made me sneeze right away. "Bless you." Sandra said.

    "Thank you," I said easily. "Come to think of it," I added to it now we stood outside, "didn't Melanie say that she was heading to this carnaval as well?" Melanie was a friend of both of us and a classmate of Sandra. They had more contact with each other than I had with any of them, but still I have to admit that I am quite fond of Mel. However, I only had loving feelings towards Sandra and none to Melanie. Not that Melanie wasn't my type, but I just can't pick who I fall for and who I don't. Nonetheless, Melanie is a great girl and I really like her... as a friend. "I think she told me last night that she was heading to this carnaval. She has been itching to go for a while now, but since this is the last day, she doesn't have many other options."

    "And besides," Sandra continued my lines, "it's friday. She doesn't have to get up early tomorrow."

    I gave her a little push in the side while we kept walking to the carnaval, together with another group of people. They were awfully quiet though. "The same counts for us, you know?" I teased her. I was obviously pointing to the fact that she had no reason to leave early because she didn't have to get up early in the morning either. In the past she worked a lot on saturdays, but she quit her job a few months ago.

    The only answer I got from Sandra was a cold stare.
     
  2. edwinfong25

    edwinfong25 New Member

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    whoa, long read, lol

    well, I'm not even sure what to say, lol

    well, I'll say that I did notice a handful of spelling errors which I'd attribute more to typos than to actual spelling errors (especially since i say a few that were both spelled correctly and incorrectly (not at the same time tho, dont get me wrong, lol))
    also, there were quite a few points where I'd say that there were some grammatical errors, or just phrases that could have been phrased differently for perhaps a better effect
    (I'd try to list out examples right now... but that would require me trying to comb through the entire story again, lol)

    well, outside of the actual wording factor, the story itself is quite detailed without going out of hand, so that was refreshing (also, the variance of adjectives at certain points were helpful to keep the story moving)
    the story also follows a clear chain of thought and fills in any details that may be missing from the reader's point of view

    it kinda feels like there's a bit of information left out here and there sometimes, but that's only if you try to think into it
    such as detailed descriptions of the characters (you gave more detail on Sandra, but still not quite to the point where someone would have an exact image of the person) but that can be seen as allowing the reader's imagination fill in those parts (also it's meant to be a short story (as the title indicates, "Fragment") so not every detail is required anyways)

    lastly, the end part seemed a bit off...
    it ends with you saying "The only answer I got from Sandra was a cold stare."
    i kinda feel that that was an odd transition since there was really never a question going from the main character to her...
    perhaps it could have been better if you had used a verb more like "response" instead of "answer"
    also that last sentence where you mention her work, it kinda transitions away the story (just a bit) maybe just go from, "...she didn't have to get up early in the morning either since she had quit her job a few months ago."
    (or maybe even shift that to closer to the front of the sentence)

    well, that's all that i recall, lol (it was a long story, lol)
    overall, good job, it's got a good balance, and definitely shows great potential :)
    (if you'd like, i can try to go through the story again for more examples)
    (also, keep in mind, lol, I'm not perfect (not by a long shot) so take my responses as you wish to, lol)
     
  3. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    What did you expect in this section?

    Well, let me answer some things for you.

    Most mistakes in the story were noticed, but because it was written in one row and before I could finish it properly some people got to read it and it ended up being somewhat successful. I thought I recognized potential in the story and decided to switch to my native language, leaving the English version to rot. Although that's somewhat harsh explained.

    That's actually kind of funny as I had no real goals planned while writing. I tend to plan some events at a specific place at a very specific moment in a story. But because it was slightly based on the jokes of the Quote of the Day (a document I update daily with the most funny, serious or memorable quotes on a day) I only had to create opportunities to make the joke work. The only real goals that were planned was that Sandra and David would reach the carnaval, that it would or is snowing and that all (named)characters would be mentioned so I would not get awkward moments when referring to someone later on - but that 'later on' would never come, something I did not predict.

    That problem occurs more for me. I only have my standard ways of describing my main characters in terms of appearance, but I don't like those ways and tend to attempt to find new ones, which I usually seem to fail in. Sandra, being the main character next to David, of course would have more description because the main character, David, is looking at her all the time. In my native language, Richard gets similar description about his appearance. But that's because the 'story' starts with a flashback instead and starts the real 'story' at the school David attends to instead of the train station, in which it starts here. In the other version it also gives more detail about the city it is in, something I tried to avoid here because it would not provide any necessary or even useful information.

    It is. Like I said, when I noticed its success and potential I decided to stop immediately and start on the Dutch version. There is no ending for this one; the reaction of Sandra was unfinished too. She was supposed to reply to what David said, but if that would have been put in this version, it would have an even more open-ending.

    Nonetheless the story is nothing more than a fragment that was cut off before anything could happen. As I mentioned at the very top of the first post, it was supposed to be a drama, but would start out with light jokes and perhaps a small hint of romance. I never got to the drama (unless you accept David's heartbroken feelings as a drama too) part, which was supposed to be the entire backbone of the story.
    But because what has been written was understandable and not too bad at all I thought it might be worth it to post it here. Any form of activity would be good right now and I have to make the best of my spare time here. :wink:
     
  4. edwinfong25

    edwinfong25 New Member

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    lol, well, first of all, i haven't truly spent much time in this section yet, lol
    and secondly, more towards the reason that i stated that, was that i didn't expect myself to take that long to read it, lol

    well, that's why i didn't really press the matter any further, lol (just mentioned it, and then moved on, lol)

    Well, you don't have to plan everything out for a clear chain of thought
    just that as you write it, you stay with that progress of the story (you don't go from one event directly to another without a bit of a transition)
    thus, there's no confusion as to how the characters have "warped" from one setting to another... (such as describing a flashback without properly introducing or displaying that it is indeed a flashback)



    well, like i said, that just depends on how much you leave to the reader's imagination, seeing as you had mentioned that it is not "complete", there's no need to have full details anyways (its not like having a novel, and some of those like to leave some stuff out for the reader's imagination to take over, lol)

    well, i didn't quite mean it that way, lol
    i understand that you had not finished it, and wished not to leave the ending completely open
    but i was merely referring the the strange way which you had ended it
    her "answer" kind made it feel like there is something there that hasn't been said...
    as opposed to if it had just been a "response" (it just seems that she'd respond better without saying anything)

    well, a fragment, but still a worthwhile fragment at that
    i mean, overall, i'm not sure where the driving factor is to reading it, but it seems to work anyways, lol

    yeah, activity would definitely be nice, lol
    (i'd try to do more stuff for activity as well, but i haven't really got anything that i can do, lol)
    (lol, i'd try to write, but you'd just see the little critiquing skills that i do have are lost on myself, lol)
    :)
     
  5. Fladian

    Fladian New Member

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    Then take a good long look as it won't have many additions from my side. =)

    Of course, of course, that's common sense. But I usually have some things ordered out and use it as a guideline. That guidline was awfully short and small this time, which is very unusual for me.

    True, the reaction what was given is not fitting, but like I said, it would get an addition in words, making the response being more fitting than what you described. Mayhaps I would have changed it completely. =)
     
  6. edwinfong25

    edwinfong25 New Member

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    haha, well, that doesn't sound too good, lol

    and, yeah, i trust that the story is better off the way that you had continued it, lol
    i see that you know what you're doing, lol :)
     

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